Matteo Vistocco, CC0, via Unsplash It’s hilarious how people have come to transmogrify negative aspects of their lives into frank and ludicrous bits. This collection is a result of those said transmogrifications. Since mostly everyone now has a life in the digital world, some have taken their self-deprecating conduct online. Are you one of them? If you are, then you’ll find yourself relating to this collection on a spiritual level. If you are not, then you’ll most likely still enjoy a good laugh! Now, if you’re here scavenge for ideas for your own self-deprecation endeavor, then this collection is perfect for you!
Humorous Self-Mockeries
Have you ever felt like your entire life is just a big school exam? I sure did, and I’m quite certain that I didn’t study for it. Good day, this is your trashcan speaking. My life’s purpose is to be a cautionary tale for others. Yeah, I know. I hate me too. “Today is not my day,” I mutter to myself every single day. My teacher called me average. How mean! My entire life is a big joke. So, tell why exactly I need to celebrate April Fool’s Day again? I’m actually a very hardworking person. Almost everything becomes harder when I’m the one working on it. No one can possibly hope to compete with me when it comes to being hard on myself. So, if you’re only here to judge me, please keep it to yourself and just shove it up your arse! They say money talks. But all mine says is goodbye. How do I moisturize my face? I use my own tears! I know I’m ugly, but at least I’m still trying. There’s no way I’m willing to learn new skills unless I’m instantly proficient at them. Yeah, I know that at this point, I’m pretty much just sabotaging my own life. I just realized that my life can’t fall apart if I never had it together in the first place. I might be obnoxious, but at least I’m also annoying. Am I a good person? No. But do I try to make myself a better person each day? Also no. I’m like 113% tired. I wouldn’t even settle for me, so why would you? The only abs I have are abnormalities. I’m quite smart and intelligent. Most of the time, I don’t even understand a single word of what I’m talking about. I may be trash, but I burn with a bright flame. Using the “y=mx+b” formula, calculate the slope at which my life is going downhill. I’m dropping it like it’s my hopes and dreams. Oh yes, I’m a hot mess! I put the ace in disgrace! I found a way to not get cheated on. Just have a self-destructive personality and a tendency to self-sabotage. Trust me, this will keep you single for the rest your days. To the powers that be, if it’s inevitable that something bad must happen to me, at least make it funny. Everyone’s so dope, and I’m so nope. My exercise routine includes running away from my problems, running late, and running my mouth non-stop. I don’t suffer from insanity. I actually derive excitement from every second of it. I can’t deny that I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger. I’m older now, so I can make different, yet more severe mistakes. Sorry, demons! There’s no room inside me because I’m self-possessed. I feel like I’m already tired tomorrow. In photos, I’m ugly. In real life, I’m also ugly! I can’t exactly shame myself into becoming a better person, right? You’re guessing that out of the 7 billion people here on Earth, I’m going to chase someone who doesn’t even like me? Well, watch me closely because that’s exactly what I’m going to do. It’s true that I’m CUTE: C(ringy), U(nattractive), T(rash), and E(asy to forget). When I’m ready to sleep, I don’t bother checking if my foot is hanging off the end of my bed anymore. Come get me, demons, I’m already living in hell. Do you want to hear a funny joke? My life. LOL Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen. Whenever I look at the mirror, it shows me what I lack, not what I have.
Self-Deprecating Jokes You Can Use as Captions
The only time I’m funny is when I insult myself. I’m probably going to regret everything in 3…2…1… Not to brag, but I haven’t had a mood swing in, like, 7 minutes. One thing that’s emptier than my wallet is my heart. I chuckle whenever people try to figure what’s going on in my head. Like, good luck, I can’t even figure myself out. I used to be indecisive. Now, I don’t think I’m quite sure anymore. There’s no law that says you have to be dissatisfied or disappointed with who you are. I’m human garbage. At the very least, please dispose of me properly. They told me that I can become anything if I willed it. So, I became a disappointment. I find it amusing when people try to insult me. They have no idea that I roast myself on a daily basis. If the government can shut down, then why can’t I? Pokemon? It’s funny that I’m trying to catch them all, yet I can’t even find myself. What would have happened if you exterminated the ugliest guy and the dumbest guy in the world yesterday? Right, this post wouldn’t exist. How to look good while crying? My clear conscience is just a sign of bad memory. I actually have friends despite of myself. Like a garbage phoenix, I will rise from the dumps. winks at my reflection in the mirror reflection walks away I have a good heart, but I really should fix this mouth of mine. People say that I’m creative and I couldn’t agree more because I create most of my own problems. All my imaginary friends tell me that I need therapy. “You are what you eat.” I call BS! I don’t even remember eating. What a beautiful day to hate on myself. Having very low expectations is the secret to happiness. Should I drop it more? Okay, I’ll go even lower. There you go. Don’t mind me. I’m just having an existential crisis. Move along, folks. Deep inside, I’m already dead. Still, I want to make other people feel alive and good. I believe in my pet dog/cat more than I believe in myself. People call me an alcoholic whenever I drink alcohol. But, when I drink Fanta, people never call me fantastic. I’m at a really low point right now. But the good news is: the worst is just ahead! I’ve been single ever since I mingled. Every day is Friday when you’re unemployed. Life is like a box of chocolates. But for some reason, I got the gross dark chocolate with the orange flavor in the middle. Do mood swings count as exercise? The good news is: I’m pretty much who I say I am. The bad news is: I’m pretty much who I say I am. Will this outfit get me the romantic partner of my dreams? Tune in tomorrow for the next episode of “Nope.” So, I stumbled upon this question asking if I’m an early bird or a night owl? I’m neither! I’m some form of permanently-exhausted pigeon. Think of each day as another chance to f*ck everything up again. We’re all trash, quite frankly. My fridge is as empty as me. Don’t get me wrong, being naked feels awesome, and I wish I could do it more. Well, just without any of the visual consequences. How can I face my problem when my problem is my face? I said “hello” to darkness my old friend, and it told me that it doesn’t want to be my friend.
Funny Self-Deprecating Bios and Lines
What?! I have to go outside so people would be able to see me and interact with me? Well, that pretty much explains why I’m still single. Relationship goals: A relationship! If body heat was based on physical attractiveness, everyone within a 1-mile radius of me would freeze to death. Someone, please help me! I’m way too young to be this old already. I’m the human equivalent of a typo. What do you mean, “What have I been up to?” I’m out here ruining my own life as always! What’s wrong, you say? Nothing. This is just the normal expression of my face? Not the best, but still good. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but hurtful words can’t reach me anymore because anything mean you say to me, I’ve definitely said it to myself at some point in my life. I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up having 20 cats in my old age. One of the best things I like to do is going home to be ugly in peace. I don’t know, I’m just a potato. Getting lit in the depression pit. I’ve got 99 problems, and 98 of them can be attributed to poor time management and self-control. If I remember correctly, the last time that I was someone’s type was when I was donating blood in the blood drive. I’m proud to say that I never make the same mistake twice. I commit my mistakes more than twice just to make sure. Self-deprecating humor is my cardio. I’m clapping my hands because I’m ugly and I know it. Those haters have no idea what they’re doing! I’ll show them how it’s done by hating myself most. Alas, I finally discovered the reason why I look so bad in photos. It’s my face. Just because I’m trash doesn’t mean I won’t be able to achieve great things. Remember, it’s called a garbage can, not a garbage cannot. Time to get back on my regularly scheduled bullsht. Well, look who we have here. If it isn’t the consequence of my bad decision. I hate losing more than anything in the world. That’s why I can’t lose any weight. New look, same mistakes. Last night I got asked out by not one, not two, but zero people! Feel free to use me as a bad example. That way, I won’t be totally useless. Who needs to eat when you’re already so full of sadness? I’m posting this to make everyone else feel better about themselves. You’re welcome. I’m somewhere in between trying to live my life and trying to run away from it. There’s no way you would be able to handle me at my worst. Also, I don’t have a best, because I’m always awful. Today’s a really wonderful day. I don’t trust it. Do you ever see a photo of yours and you almost can’t believe how ugly you really are? I don’t have a nervous system. I am a nervous system! Watch me make bad decisions even without the influence of alcohol. I accidentally messed up my life. How do start a new account? I’m on my 36th selfie attempt, and I’m still refusing to acknowledge that this isn’t my day. I have more conversations with the voices in my head than I do with actual people. My future self is probably talking sht about me right now, so I’m going to ruin his/her life. Watch me go lower than rock bottom! I question my sanity a lot of times. Every now and then, it replies. Who needs sleep when you’ve been dead inside for many years. Ever accidentally thrown something away and then later realize you needed it? Hahaha, I did this with own my life. Guess who’s posting self-deprecating stuff instead of doing something productive and worthwhile? Will my anxiety leave me too if I fall in love with it? When I feel bad, I just remember that I’m someone’s reason to smile because I’m a joke!
© 2019 Cheeky Kid
